Early Morning Musings

I woke up early today, earlier than a majority of the people here. This was strange within itself, as not only is the usually a thrum of activity at nearly every hour in the circus, not to mention the fact that if anybody’s going to be trying to sleep in as late as possible it’s usually me. It was still just dark when I woke, so I woke my way through the caravans and lorries slowly, the fresh smell of damp grass thick in the air, trying not to trip over objects nestled in the half-darkness. I meandered my way like this up to the area of grass where we had our bonfire last night. It was still smoking gently, the last few remaining embers glowing softly in the darkness, like fireflies hiding in the wood. I picked up a plank of wood from near it and stoked the fire, allowing it to crackle. I sat next to it on the damp ground and watched the sun rise. I swear to you there’s not a more beautiful sight in this whole world than the sun rising. The sky senses it before you can, turning from an inky black to indigo to a muted grey-blue before the tell tale yellow glow appears on the horizon. Then it all happens in a matter of minutes, the bright orb cresting the earth and rising up, burning through the murky clouds. As I sat there I let the smell of the earth wash over me, the smoky fire, the damp ground, and, floating across the grass, the smell of sausages and bacon wafting from the food van. I thought about last night. I was probably just being overprotective. Yes, that guy was being slimey, but there was no need for me to react like that. Alessandro was right, much as it pains me to admit it and lord knows he doesn’t need to know he was right – his head’s big enough as it is, but Aurelia needs to make her own mistakes. She’s a grown woman now, even if I still see her as that innocent little girl. And to be perfectly honest with myself, I’d probably try to pull the same moves as Jacob. I tried to forget about it. Act like nothing had happened if anyone asked. Say I was just worked up after the show with all the adrenaline and testosterone and that mixing that with wine probably wasn’t the best idea for someone who doesn’t really drink.

The sun was well above the ground now, its sphere full of the fire of a new day. It reminded me of the myths Mama used to tell me as a kid, Greek or Roman or Pagan I can never remember, of the man in the chariot pulling the sun across the sky. I can see how it wasn’t so far fetched for them to think that. It did almost look like the sun was being pulled across the sky by some godly force. It was certainly a hell of a lot more plausible to think that than to think that this massive earth which felt so static was actually turning underneath our feet. I heard somebody call my name softly and so I stood up quickly and the colours bounced in front of my eyes, splitting then slowly fusing back together again and for a second it was as if I could feel the earth’s rotation, I could feel that I was spinning round on a ball of rock, floating through space, endless and infinite. I turned once my head had settled to find the source of the call.

Aurelia was walking towards me, only a couple of meters away. I took a step towards her.

“Hey, listen, I’m sorry about last night. Y’know the adrenaline and wine must have got to me,” she cut me off with a shake of her head.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you. I spoke to Alessandro later, he explain that you were just doing the big brother routine. I get it,” she smiled at me, the gentle light of the new day made her skin look pale, her round face like the moon. At least it would be if the moon had those eyes, cheekbones, button nose and pouting lips.

“You do? Because I was a...” I struggled to find the words “a total wanker, to be honest...” she laughed.

“Honestly, I get it. More than you think. Don’t you think I felt the same when you’d go off into the towns? You were still only 16 when you started. Don’t you think I was worried about you?” she played with a strand of her lions hair.

I never would have thought of that. That’s she’d be worried about me. I guess I thought she was always just too young, too naive to think about the bad things that could happen.

“I... I didn’t. To be honest I never even thought. Sorry,” I looked to the ground and scuffed me foot into the soft earth.

“Hey. Listen. We both made mistakes. You didn’t think and I thought too much,” she reached out and touched my arm gently, just as I had done to her last night, and like before all the tension melted.

After that we just went to get breakfast. I had a quick shower before heading off into town. It was just down to me and Freddie to draw the crowds today, Mama and Papa had other jobs to do. We managed to catch the end of the businessman rust and most of the school kids. Think we sold a decent number of tickets. I’m writing this in a cafe. A couple of people mistook us for buskers and tossed money at us, not much, but enough to buy me a coffee to warm my numb fingers and Freddie a soup. The weather looks like it’s turning a bit, what started out as a beautiful day is greying over a bit. People will still be out on the streets though, and while they I, we need to be too. I’d better finish this before it gets too cold and get back to work.

Best wishes and I hope you enjoyed the show!