It’s hard to explain how I feel when I perform. My heart is
beating so fast in my chest as I get announced and then I’m tossing balls and
batons and I just go into this zone. I can feel my blood in my veins, feel it
carrying the oxygen to my limbs. Everything has an increased intensity. I can
smell the warm saw dust we put down on the floor, feel the grains of it in the air
as they tickle my throat comfortingly, taste them on my tongue. When I throw
fire the crowd vanishes and all I can see is the bright lights, orange and
yellow, dancing in front of me, swirling through the air. My hands have been
burnt so many times by them in training that I hardly notice the heat from them
anymore, hardly notices when it singes my hair on my arms apart from the smell
of burning hair that mingles with the smoke. The smoke is acrid, like burning
plastic, but I enjoy the feel of it pouring down my nose and into my lungs -
which have long grown accustomed to its stench. When I was younger I used to
have a cough for days after fire-throwing, but now it’s like I’m breathing pure
air. I used to come on at the end of Mama and Papa’s set, but now it’s them who
come on at the end of mine. Most of the time they just set me up, but for the
final five minutes we’re all on stage, tossing innumerable objects to one
another, making them dance through the air. Because its bonfire night we put on
an extra special finish. We get thin batons which we light up so their almost
like extra thick sparklers and we toss them rapidly between us to spell out,
letter by letter, REMEMBER. When they get extinguished and the light come back
us on us the roar of the crowd joins with the blood pounding past my ears in my
veins, lighting me up like the batons.
It was something special.
Everyone else was amazing too, as always. Eta and Artem got
a huge round of applause after their spectacular routine, Bruno and his lions were
watched in almost total silence apart from shocked gasps that could’ve sucked
the air out of the Big Top. Bella and Viviane the two lead
contortionists/gymnasts wowed everybody. The clowns Hani, Gale and Anna did a
brand new hilarious sketch in which they attempted to blow up a model parliament
with disastrous consequences that had the crowd falling off out of their seats
clutching their sides it was so funny. Aurelia, Thalia and Zayn performed one
of the most dramatic routines I’ve ever seen as they rode around – it was
mesmerising watching them atop the horses. Overall it was one of our best shows
to date.
Afterwards we stood round a huge bonfire that had been set
up earlier in the day whilst I was out getting customers and had burgers and
sausages and marshmallows cooked over it. Monsieur Loyal made a small speech,
as he sometimes does on special occasions, to all of us and the few show goers
who had decided to stick around. I always remember his speeches, and this one
was no different.
“My fellow circus-folk, my companions, mes amis, my trusted
friends and” he nods to the huddle of customers “my highly respected guests. I
would like to congratulate you on a parfait show tonight. Simply beautiful. Tres
bon, no? We had a good crowd, best we’ve had since summer. And it is on this
note that I would like to comment. Saul, his beautiful Lois, their son Tobias
and, of course, young Fredrick, always do a sublime job, and tonight was no
exception” he pauses to allow the gathering to applaud and pride swells in my
chest “however,” he continues “however, we are now entering our toughest season
of the year. The beauty of autumn is now fading, the fire that hangs from the
trees will soon have poured to the ground and its puddles will soon be
extinguished by the stroke of Jack Frost. We all know that winter is a hard
time for us and though summer was reasonable it was by no means outstanding. Winter
will be hard this year. We will all need to pull our weight and to tighten our
belts if we want to survive it. I do not want to have a repeat of 2008,” in
2008 we had to sell our Rhino and Monsieur Loyal has never forgiven himself for
it, not to mention the fact that a couple of performers either dropped out or, worse
still, changed circus. “I want to be standing here this time next year with you
all in front of me, I want to be giving a speech extolling our many virtues. I
am so proud of you all, and we need to last this winter together. By no means
will it be easy. It’ll be cold, yes; we will be hungry, yes. But we will pull
through. Together. We always stick together. For better and for worse, for
richer and for poorer, in sickness as in health we STICK TOGETHER. A chain is
only as strong as its weakest link. If we become weak, we will break and if we
break we will not survive this winter. I love you all as my own family. You are
my family. I care a great deal about each and every one of you, but I care more
about us. About us as a circus. I know we can survive this winter,” he pauses
and we look to each other, reaching out, holding hands. “Now!” he cries, taking
a sip of his mulled wine “I can’t hear any music!”
The band struck up and I looked across through the fire and
made eye contact with Aurelia. I smiled at her and made my way around the fire
to talk to her, it felt like ages since we’d last been able to have a
conversation.
“Hello, Toby,” she smiled, her saucer eyes staring into
mine, that strange guard still held in them, the guard I couldn’t quite put my
finger on.
“Hello, Lelia” I said touching her arm, using my pet name
for her. She giggled and didn’t shrug me off, the peculiar tension dissipating.
“You were fantastic tonight,” she nodded sincerely and I felt
the pride swell in my chest again.
“Don’t, what with you and Monsieur Loyal I’ll be getting a big
head!” I laughed “It goes without saying that you were incredible, you always
are. The way you connect with that horse, it’s like he’s part of you,”
“Thank you, Toby,” she bent her head down at the compliment
and peered at me through her thick lashes. Was that the heat from the fire on her
face, or was she blushing? I smiled at her, and sipped my wine, its warmth
filling me from the inside, making my skin tingle.
“You were
incredible,” another voice came from behind me, a strange voice. I turned round
and there was a boy standing there, staring straight at Aurelia. He was shorter
than average, I’d say no more than five foot eight, but well built. He had
thick dark hair and brows and large lips. His eyes were bright blue though, not
the same blue as hers, which were a sometimes almost turquoise, but a true blue,
the colour of royal blood. His features were almost too perfect, too symmetrical.
And the way he was staring at Aurelia... it made me feel uneasy. I wasn’t
jealous, more... protective. Lelia’s been like my sister. It was obvious why he
would want to stare at her – she was looking beautiful in the firelight. It danced
off her skin, the shadows falling in just the right places that it enhanced her
soft cheekbones and made her eyelashes extend up into her brow. But even so. It
wasn’t right to be so ostentatious about it.
“Thank you,” she smiled at him.
“My name’s Jacob” he extended his hand to her and as she
took it lifted hers to his lips. Aurelia actually blushed this time and said
her name.
“I’m Tobias,” I burst out, thrusting my hand between him and
Aurelia. He took it genially, but barely made eye contact with me before he
began to talk to her again.
“How long have you been riding for?”
“Since I could walk,” she muttered, flustered by his
attention. Aurelia didn’t like coming into the cities with us after the show
and everyone here treated her like family, so she wasn’t used to it.
“I’ve always wanted to know how to. Maybe you could teach
me?”
The tone of his voice was repellent, the words slid around his
tongue, oozing out of his fat lips. I visibly shuddered, thankful that it was
cold enough for me to pass off as a shiver.
“Well we’re only here for a couple of days, so I doubt she’d
really have time...” I interjected. Aurelia shot a glance at me. I’d hardly
ever seen her look that way before, only once or twice in her life. She wasn’t
angry, as such, but she wasn’t happy. I could understand why.
“Toby!” she gasped “I could probably find an hour to teach
Jacob to ride if he was really keen to give it a shot,” she turned and smiled
at him.
Wait, she was angry at me? For trying to protect her from
this scumbag? I knew she was naive, I knew she didn’t understand what he really
meant, but seriously?
“Sorry, I just thought... anyway... I’ll speak to you later
then I guess...” I needn’t have bothered; neither of them were listening to me anymore.
I wandered away and sat down over the other side of the fire. I didn’t mean to,
but I ended up watching them, trying to read their lips as they spoke, but
pretty soon they turned away.
Alessandro sat down with me.
“I see Aurelia’s got a new friend...” he started. I turned to
him with a look of contempt.
“Don’t get me started on him. That scumbag is only out for
one thing and he’s not hiding. Aurelia’s just too naive to see it...”
“I knew it...” Alessandro smirked.
“Knew what?” I wasn’t in the mood for his games.
“I knew that you liked her...”
That took me by surprise, and I sat up to face him.
“Me? Like Aurelia? As if? Come on, man, you know she’s like
my sister! My kid sister!” I scoffed.
“I can see the way you’re looking at them. You can’t stand
him being close to her,”
“Damn right I can’t! Don’t you want to protect her too? Don’t
you hate the way that creep is looking at her?”
“Course I want to protect her, but she’s gotta learn at some
point. And he’s probably not so bad. Don’t look at me like that. You’ve said
what? Five words to the guy? Give him a chance. If you really care about
Aurelia - as a sister that is - you’ll let her make her own mistakes. He might
even be good for her. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when you start to feel
all broken hearted...”
He left me alone by the fire again. I raged with the flames.
How could he say I liked Aurelia? It is ridiculous. I’m still fuming about it
now, truth be told. He’s hardly spoken to me for the last month, then he comes
out with this? I don’t want to be angry at him, but at least it’s taking my
mind off all the things I’ll do to that dick Jacob if he messes with Lelia...
I hate being angry. Which, obviously, only makes me more
furious. I just couldn’t stand the way he looked at her, like he was undressing
her in his mind. It was disgusting. I know she’s twenty now, but she’s still
just a young girl, really. She doesn’t know what it means when a guy looks at
you in that way. Maybe Alessandro’s right though... she’s got to learn at some
point... I just don’t want to see her hurt. I can’t think straight. We don’t
get to drink all that often and the wine has gone to my head. I should probably
try and sleep it off – see if I can think straight in the morning...
Night, and I hope you enjoyed the show!
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